A letter from me…..to..me?¿

Raw thoughts and feelings as a new chapter begins…

The Shiloh dynasty in the background as write takes me back to 13-year-old me on the C2C to school, not sad not happy just kinda…empty. Now I’m living my dream, I leave the country on Friday and that marks the start of a new beginning of life, I’ll be on a flight every week in august, waves of flashbacks to my old lifestyle have been hitting me non-stop so I thought I’d put figurative pen to figurative paper and let it all out.

Man. I feel I always say that but I can’t even really describe how ‘odd’ life feels right now just SO MANY emotions flowing all at once, good and bad, and I just feel overwhelmed a lot of the time.

I’m so used to pouring my heart out in agony and feeling broken or sad or kinda just exhausted with life’s BS but today I feel none of that. I feel happy within myself, my environment and the direction in my future is going and that’s when it dawned on me just how blessed I am to be in the position I am in right now.

My soul has always screamed ‘injustice!’ at life, lack of parental support, unfortunate deaths, injuries, emotional and mental instability at times, unhealthy mechanisms, dysfunction, etc. But today I found myself in a plethora of opportunity, I’m learning the importance of mental presence: I realise I’m actually more fortunate the most – yes it wasn’t easy but I’ve experienced/experiencing things many will not in their lifetime, and I realise that everything I believed about my life and my future isn’t entirely true. Yes, it was hard, but no it wasn’t always going to be like that and I’m finally in the days I dreamed of where old pain is simply that. Old…..pain.

I’ve realised it’s okay to miss and still care about things. It’s okay to miss the good people and the bad people, it’s okay to miss the old way of life even if it wasn’t perfect, it’s okay to care about those who destroyed your self-worth and it’s okay to have a positive and negative emotion – not one OR the other – about something. It’s okay to love AND hate, to cry AND smile and to forgive AND frown in disappointment because at the end of the day even though you’re better off, deep down you wish they were here too.

I’ve been overcome with flashbacks from my past, memories of people in the empty classrooms that no longer exist, memories of friends and people I loved who have completed their role in my movie, memories of tears which have dried up from the wells in my eyes and no longer produce any water, memories of the desire to be liked, loved and accepted which have now been replaced with admiration, love and true acceptance from the people around me today; Memories of the cold streets and fields I’d wonder from 14-17 looking for an answer, a home, a meaning to the pool of problems I found myself sinking in at the time.

It's such a beautiful yet painful feeling, slowly watching your old life die right in front of you with very little you can do about it, but then you remember you’re happy to watch it burn because the flames symbolise freedom and euphoria and is a reason to be happy not to be sad. I will never be this version of me with ‘those’ versions of people ever again and that’s a blessing because it means that life is going the way it’s supposed to…we’re all changing, living, and experiencing.

I’ve been stuck vacillating between acceptance of the past and wondering if I could’ve acted different to save a relationship or to save myself from certain relationships, wondering if I was supposed to be elsewhere making different memories or infact if I was never meant to make it this far to begin with, wandering if I’m heading towards another breakthrough or if I’m being stupid and youthfully ignorant by choosing my dreams over stability: It’s been a battle at times but again, I’m glad, I’m glad that my battles now have a positive side to them and it’s no longer battle between continuing to live or simply giving up and hopefully meeting the man upstairs who I believe created all of this.

Would younger me be proud of me today? I’d like to think so. So much growth that I used to discount because in my head I should’ve been perfect from the jump, I shouldn’t have been broken emotionally to begin with, I shouldn’t have been in the trenches to begin with, I shouldn’t have experienced what I did to begin with, but growth has shown me that every win is a win worth celebrating.

The possibilities awaiting me now are endless but that casts my mind back to my friends, most are undertaking a placement year working or infact are graduating and going full-time, head-first into the working world, I think of those who are going into final year and graduating next summer, I think of those that are not at university and working normal jobs to survive and chase a dream and I think of those life took from me in the form of disagreements.

I remember being lost and hurt, being alone and hurt, being found, and still hurt and now I’m just no longer hurt.

I’ll miss the way my life meant to be, there’s so many shifts happening that it’s finally hitting me life will truly never be the same but when a certain way of life is all you know, it’s impossible not to feel any attachment towards it.

I’ve been having to remind myself ‘Bro do we know how old we are now!’ to snap myself out of the past, there’s just so much to unpack and let go of on a deeper level that no one will truly understand because only I was there every moment and step of the way but that’s okay because I’m learning to tell my story and express myself and that makes me happy.

Yes, I’ll never be that Efe again, nor will I see the same people in the future when we’re all different and to be honest I won’t recognise myself in a year’s time either, but that’s okay because I don’t even recognise myself compared to who I was a year ago and I’m certainly not unhappy about that.

I’ve just realised some may deem this as very overly emotional and dramatic as I’m not dying nor is any of the people around me and I will see them again and speak to them but this is very much a personal thing.

My life as I know, my experience of the world as I know it and the way of life I know - it is finally dying and it’s very hard to let go of so many things at once – but life keeps moving and so do we so why slow down now?! There’s so much to exploreeee and try and see and I’m glad I’m the version of me I am today which gets to experience it all.

You know, sometimes I think of those I no longer align with, those who my heart no longer cares for but still remembers and I wonder where they are? How they’re doing? If they’re proud of me finally and finally care like I wished, they did. It’s okay to admit that man, at one point they were the reason my heart knew how to smile and laugh and feel love so don’t lose that, even if we lost them along the way. I like who I am without them…. even if I liked who I was with them :/ .

Thanks life, we might not always be best friends and fight often, but on this occasion I’m willing to say ‘cheers’ and admit maybe you’re not so evil, unfair and harsh after all.

Efe/fa